And Carrie On

This is a topic I’ve had as something to write about for at least a year. As a marketing leader, crucial conversations are one of the most important skills we can possess. However, they are also (by far) one of the scariest skills to work on and to master.

First, what is a crucial conversation?

I really like this definition from Oregon State because it highlights there’s not a clear right or wrong here. These are messy conversations that can have significant personal and organizational impact if not handled well.

A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.

Oregon State University HR

Here are a few examples of these conversations:

• Performance discussions
• New task assignments
• Organizational change discussions

Why Are Crucial Conversations Scary

I crowd sourced this among friends in the higher education space, and here are a few responses:

It can be tough especially if it is between two very different people and from different race, ethnicity, nationality, or background. The idea of getting your point across is even more complex, as the perspectives have an additional filter (or filters as the case may be) that have to be considered.

Kin Sejpal, University of Redlands

Having hard conversations with people is something we tend to put off because they’re scary. Oftentimes, we will jump to a conclusion in our mind of how the other person will react and we tend to jump to the worst possible scenario and then we build up the discussion in our minds to the point where we only can imagine the most catastrophic outcome.

Brian Piper, University of Rochester

I, like most, genuinely want to avoid causing harm, which at times hinders the ability to address necessary issues. Avoiding necessary feedback, even when challenging, only leads to frustration and can prove to be a disservice to the individual who needed the opportunity to improve.

Felisha Weaver, Weaver Ink

Why are these Conversations Important?

Often times, because these are tough conversations, we avoid them. That can have negative impacts in a couple of ways. I once had a crucial conversation with an employee that provided feedback about a way she handled something. In the conversation, she shared that was the first time she had ever received that feedback. That resonated with me that when we do not have these conversations it is a disservice to those who need to hear the information.

By not having that conversation, previous leaders robbed the person of the awareness of an issue and didn’t help the employee learn. Had it been addressed earlier, would there have been a different career trajectory?

These are also important because of office harmony. If there are issues in the office or problems with a member of the team, having these conversations is important to address the problem. However, it’s also important for the rest of the team to see that when issues arise, as a leader you’re willing to work on them.

How do we Handle These Conversations

Here is a five step method that I have used to cover these. It’s based on a book by Joseph Grenny about how to manage these conversations. I’ve seen references to it being called the STATE model. However, I struggle with that acronym, so I’m just focusing on the 5 steps.

Pre-work

This is the most important step in my opinion but the easiest to skip. It involves reflection on what it is we want to achieve in the conversation and recognizing there may be other possible explanations for what’s happening.

I find this is easier to follow in an example, so I am going to share each part and then provide an example to go with it.

In the example, if the conversation were to center around an employee who is always late. The goal of the conversation might be to figure out a plan to address the employee being late. In reflection, you might assume the employee is late because they don’t value the company and their job. However, it’s important to open our mind to the notion there could be other issues at play. Perhaps they have a family situation? Perhaps there’s a childcare issue? This intentional reflection opens our thoughts to more of a dialogue about the issue, which can lead to better outcomes.

Step 1 - Begin with the Facts

Facts are less likely to offend and are likely the least controversial or difficult part of the conversation. That’s why it’s important to start here. A word of caution, it’s important here to just focus on the facts. Not the conclusion about the facts.

In the example, this would just be the fact is the employee is late and it impacts the whole team in these specific ways.

Step 2 – Share Your Story

This is where these conversations can quickly go wrong. Sharing your story is where crucial conversations move from specific facts to conclusions. When doing this, it’s important to monitor and adjust if you see signs of defensive behaviors, you may need to step back a little on your own story.

In the example, I might share that when the employee is late, I find myself beginning to question the person’s commitment to work and to the company. Depending on the conversation, I might also give a specific example of when the person was late and how I felt about it.

Step 3 – Invite Dialogue

This is the hardest part to me. After you’ve shared your experience, it’s important to go back to the dialogue part of the conversation. However, it’s incredibly important that this not be a “what do you have to say for yourself moment.” Instead, it should be more about exploring other possibilities we considered in the pre-work.

In the example, I might say, I would like to understand this situation from your perspective. I suspect there is more that I am not fully aware of and could benefit from understanding.

Step 4 – Talk Tentatively

As marketing leaders, we sometimes have this desire to go in and solve the problem. That is not always the answer. This is about co-authoring a solution together and collaborating to figure out how we proceed. It’s important to use phrases that suggest your thoughts are drafts and not firm beliefs to encourage the other person and keep the dialogue open.

In the example, I might say something like, I’m beginning to wonder if we could attempt to address this by doing X. How does an approach like that sound? Is there a better strategy from your perspective?

Step 5 – Encourage Testing

This is my favorite step because it’s the way we end the conversation and invite a follow up. These conversations become less sticky over time if we’re open to continuing them, and encouraging testing is a great way to do that. Ending the conversation with an action plan (even if a trial) and a specific time to follow up helps both parties get back to the regular work at hand and helps remove some of the awkward.

In the example, I might say if you’re open to it, let’s try the approach we discussed. Then, perhaps we reconvene next month to check in and see how that’s working and can adjust as needed.

Post Work

This is not part of the formal steps, but it is a step I’ve adapted. After every crucial conversation, I try to reflect…where did I do well, where was muddy, where was I too emotional. This helps me to improve my role in these conversations.

I have also gone so far as role-playing to practice areas that needed additional work.

Additional Resources

I have two books that I absolutely love for this topic.